Category Archives: Sports

Seattle Seahawks

I can hardly believe the Seattle Seahawks are NFL champions. My beloved city of Seattle is in full party mode right now. On the day after the Seahawks win, on a Monday no less, I had not one but two people use the word glorious in their morning greeting. How often does that happen? Never here in Washington; I can’t remember the last time two people said any kind of greeting.

Janet told me we should feel good about our win in only 37 years. She grew up in New England and apparently those poor Red Sox went a very long time in between World Series wins. Something like eighty years. I can honestly say I will not be alive eighty years from now, in case this is the Seahawks only win, so I will bask in the glow of Seattle goodwill for as long as I can.

I vaguely remember when the Seattle Supersonics won the NBA championship back in 1979. Wow, that’s a long time ago (if I’m trying not to admit how old I am). Come to think of it, I must have only been a couple of weeks old. Tee-hee. It sounded very similar: lots of fireworks, shouting and loud celebrations and partying in the streets; all of the streets. (I do want to say our WNBA team, the Storm, won two championships, I believe, but I was living in Texas at the time and as you can imagine I couldn’t follow the games.)

The celebration parade for the Seahawks was held yesterday and the route went through Belltown and Downtown ending at Century Link Field. 700,000 people showed up, filling the stadium and the two mile parade route. I’m not sure where all those people parked but I’m glad I live in far south Seattle and didn’t venture out in my car yesterday. I’m not sure if you’ve heard but Seattle has, on a normal day, traffic issues and I can’t imagine what it was like yesterday.

I want to explain how we won the NFL championship. It’s simple really. Some might say it was our defense. Some might point to a particular player or drive. I’m here to tell you the real reason: I didn’t write one word about the Seahawks all season. Yup, I’m just beginning to realize the full depth of my powers. So, I’m wondering…should I write about the team next season? If they lose, will I be blamed? Have I jinxed them already?

This morning, I feel emotionally tired, drained really. The actual Superbowl was easy…who knew Denver could be dominated like they were? No, I’m drained because being happy, smiling and high fiving strangers, inquiring into other people’s lives and feelings, is really quite exhausting. Now I realize why I don’t do it on a regular basis. I swear, if I see one more wonderful picture of a smiling Russell Wilson, holding up the Lombardi trophy, my face will crack and I’ll look just like Heath Ledger’s Joker.

Luckily, I now have Sundays to rest up and get back to my normal introverted ways. What else do I have to do, now that football is over? I’m sure Janet has a list of things we should do, now that Sunday’s many viewing hours have opened up to us. She probably has visions of us being productive and actually getting things on our list done. Hey, wait…don’t the Olympics start today?


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Football, Zebras and 11 Year Olds

I love to watch football.  I can honestly say I like football now a smidge more than I like baseball.  That’s hard for me to write because, while growing up, baseball was more accessible for me and therefore more beloved in my heart.  I couldn’t find $3 outfield seats for the Seahawks.

The older I become, the more I enjoy watching football.  I think the difference now is baseball seems to be on TV every day and lasts a very long time and football is a seemingly brief and shiny bundle of joy.  Baseball is something I love and take for granted.  Baseball is like living next to the Cascades: I see them all the time and they are always present in their magnificence.

It takes a visitor, someone seeing the Cascades for the first time to remind me of their beauty.  I look at them through these new eyes, thinking, ‘yes, they truly are beautiful.’  I view them that way for about a week, until I start taking them for granted again.  ‘Oh, they’ll be there tomorrow, I can enjoy their beauty later.’

Football is quite different.  Football is like summertime in Seattle: you know it’s coming, you can feel it in the air, they both have a preseason where you get a taste of what’s to come and when it arrives in all its glory, you have to grab it with both hands and love it to death because it will be gone, much too quickly, in a flash of clouds and drizzle.

I never realized how important referees were, in any sport, until the last few weeks and especially last Monday night.  I know the replacement refs are doing the best job they can, but sometimes your best isn’t good enough.  Everybody blows calls, we’re all human, but when games end on a blown call, when that’s the only reason a team wins, then something needs to happen.

On the one hand: I’m a Seahawks fan and, truthfully, I’m glad we won, but on the other hand, nobody wants to win in that fashion.  If the tables were turned, I’d be walking around yelling, ‘we were robbed!’ at the top of my lungs, seething and probably drooling a little, my little red rimmed eyes barely contained behind my glasses.  No, no really, I’m taken.

These officiating problems were just what the doctor ordered for the owners, apparently.  Now they realize how important well trained refs are to the game and will pay them what they are asking.  I now have more respect for the refs and the replacements: it’s clearly not an easy job and not everyone can do it properly.

At least for me, the last few football weeks had a couple of remarkable moments.  Was that a woman referee I saw a couple weeks ago?  I saw a picture of a woman, and I read about a woman ref, but since I didn’t see it, I have some doubts.  It would be great, though, to see women more involved in televised sports.  I’m not worried about a woman getting squashed by the big football players, like I heard one commentator mention: we give birth, for Heaven’s sake, we’re tough when we have to be.  And I don’t think a frail, timid woman would choose to be a referee in the NFL.

Another inspirational moment happened with my daughter.  I texted her on Monday night, the night of the Seahawks game, and asked her how and what she was doing.  She texted she was watching the game with her father.  I am so proud; you have no idea.

I texted, Go Seahawks, because I was at a loss for words, pride filling most of the space in my brain.  I imagined that would be the end of our conversation because we both have the attention span of gnats, but I was surprised when she replied, and I quote verbatim, “Hawks better step up offense right now.”  I have never been so proud of my little girly tomboy.

Jessie loves to do, what I consider, girly things: she likes malls, loves to spend money, loves make-up and doing her hair, knows what a mani-pedi is, and loves to hang out with her BFFs.  I sometimes look at her and think, ‘where did she come from?’  That can’t all come from her dad, right?  (If you knew her dad, you’d know how funny that was.)

But when she watches and makes intelligent comments about football (and when I say intelligent I mean a step up from Madden’s ‘you know how the Raiders are going to win?  They need to score some points.’  You don’t say.) I realize she’ll be just fine.  Would she want to be a referee in the NFL?  Probably not, but she’d look fabulous as a zebra.



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A Great Time To Be A Sports Fan

As a sports fan, I’m closing in on heaven.  The Olympics are wonderful; as far as baseball is concerned, I haven’t thought, ‘there’s always next year’, quite yet; and football is mere weeks away.  It’s nice to see both Mannings in a uniform, even if Peyton’s is a Broncos uniform.

I have watched a lot of coverage for the Olympics this year.  I’m not sure if NBC normally shows so much during the day (I used to have to go out to work), but it’s a wonderful variety of sports I usually don’t watch on a regular basis.

Even Jessie got into watching gymnastics.  It’s not my favorite sport, I feel sorry for those poor girls, but this year’s was pretty fun to watch.  The USA girls did great and I’m so proud of those little people.  I think Jessie’s now interested in taking another gymnastic class, she was so caught up in the competition.  She’ll be shocked when she figures out how much time and effort is required.  I seemed to have passed on my lazy gene to Jessie.

I love to watch diving, swimming, and track and field.  I’ve spent some time watching the women’s beach volleyball and that was a lot of fun.  I’d never really watched too much volleyball before these Olympics and I realized how much I enjoyed the sport.  I like the fact you can score on anyone’s serve.  That really speeds up the game.

I’ve also managed to catch some water polo, a game I’d never watched before.  Those people are vicious.  I had no idea how much action they see under the water.  I’m still not sure I understand the rules, but I like to watch a sport where it’s beneficial for the women to have a little bit of padding on their bodies.

I will admit I’m feeling a bit like a slug watching the super fit athletes at the top of their game.  I’m nowhere near the top.  As I’ve told Craig, Janet and I have fallen off the wagon…and landed at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.  I don’t know how we’re going to get out of this lazy hole we’ve created for ourselves.  Oh yeah, I guess we could just work out tomorrow!

I’ve been watching so much of the Olympics I’ve forgotten about the Mariners.  Now if they were at the top, instead of in the basement, I might not have totally forgotten about them.  I know it’s a long season, and we have a way to go to the end, but it doesn’t look good.  I’m still behind them, though, 100%.  It just gets a little dark here in the basement.

I’m really looking forward to football.  I’m not going to say anything about the Seahawks, I don’t want to jinx them, but things are looking good so far.  I just saw a commercial with the Manning brothers and it looked so weird seeing Peyton in that orange uniform.  I guess I can root for Manning in orange; I rooted for Tebow in the same color.

When I was growing up, there were two team I really didn’t like, two teams I wouldn’t root for if I moved to their cities.  Later on I added the Cowboys because I really, really don’t like their owner.  The two teams I didn’t like were those damn Yankees and the Broncos.

I will never like the Yankees.  I know: never say never, but I can’t for the life of me think of any reason I would root for the Yankees.  I’ve never liked them and I never will.  I love the city of New York and I don’t mind the Mets or the football teams, but those damn Yankees, they just leave a bad taste in my mouth.  I’m just thankful Janet is from Connecticut and not New York.  I don’t know what I’d do if she were a Yankees fan and not a BoSox fan.

I didn’t like the Broncos because of John Elway.  Just when you think you’d won the game, Elway would bring them back from the brink and win.  I really didn’t like that.  But when Tebow was playing I found myself rooting for the Broncos.  I just grimace whenever they show Elway in his little box.

Now Peyton Manning is playing for the Denver Broncos.  I can see myself rooting for the Broncos now.  Not 100% rooting, I reserve that for the Seahawks, but I can see myself rooting for them when I see them.  I’m assuming we’ll see a lot of the Broncos this season on national TV.

I’m always sad when the Olympics are over.  I don’t like the winter Olympics nearly as much as the summer, so I have to wait four years for another fortnight of wall to wall sports.  I just wish there was this much choice for sports on all the time.  Lazy people like me and Jessie love to sit and watch sports.  Just imagine the damage we would do if we participated in sports!


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Lebron James vs Kevin Durant

Right off the bat, I just want to say I’m not much of a basketball fan.  They run around and sweat way too much for me.  My preferred sport is baseball followed, very closely, by football.  Sports with long mellow periods interrupted with short bursts of crazy energy.  Kinda like me!

I found myself watching some of the basketball finals because I’d heard so much about the matchup between Lebron and Kevin and wanted to see a little myself (I hope they don’t mind if I use their first names).  I did a bit of research on the two, during the game, and it seems Lebron isn’t liked by many people and I couldn’t find anything bad written about Kevin.

I don’t know Lebron or Kevin at all, but my perception of them seems to follow closely with the opinions of many other people and I wondered why.  Since I don’t know them at all, why would I perceive to like Kevin and dislike Lebron?  Maybe it has to do with how they approach life and the personas they project for others to see.

Basketball:  They’re both terrific basketball players, no one can dispute those facts.  Lebron didn’t even pretend to go to college like Kevin did.  Lebron went right from high school to Cleveland where they treated him like a God.  Not only was he a gifted player but he grew up in Akron!

You can’t really blame Lebron for leaving Cleveland, he honestly didn’t feel the team had the drive and desire to win championships, and that’s exactly what Lebron wants.  He wants to be a champion in the record books.

I read a Q&A when Lebron signed the 3 year deal and the question was: Will Lebron leave Cleveland after the 3 years is up?  The answer in a nutshell?  He will leave if he’s not supported during those 3 years but he would be stupid to leave because he is a GOD in Cleveland.

Lebron didn’t feel supported so he left, I understand that part.  But the part where he holds a news conference in Miami, on live television, and calls it “The Decision”?  I don’t understand that part at all.  I’m sure you’ve heard the term, “don’t burn any bridges”?  Maybe Lebron hasn’t heard that one because he didn’t even bother to do the ‘one and done’.

If Lebron had issued a statement, before The Decision, to the people of Ohio, thanking them for their support, explaining his desire to win championships, explaining how he didn’t feel management was doing enough to create a winning team; he probably wouldn’t have hurt so many people who did view him like a GOD.  There would have been a lot of upset people, but, after reading people’s responses to The Decision, it seems like everyone in Ohio was brokenhearted and mad.

Kevin, on the other hand, signed on with Seattle and is still with the same team.  Don’t worry Kevin, yes I’m from Seattle, but I’m not mad at you for leaving, I’m mad at Clay Bennett for ripping the SuperSonics away from Seattle and dropping them into Oklahoma as the Thunder.  Not Ohio-Lebron mad, but pretty mad.

Kevin signed a deal with Nike instead of Adidas, not because it was bigger (actually it looks like it was $10 million smaller), but because he had worn Nikes all his life.  He recently signed a 5 year contract extension with OKC and I hope he becomes the face of that city like Andre Agassi (Las Vegas) or Lance Armstrong (Austin).  He may leave after his contract is up, but it just seems like he is a loyal guy who has a lot of support in OKC.  Plus, now that they have the Thunder, Oklahoma is the proud owner of 1 professional sports team.

Tattoos:  I have tattoos and I’m a big fan of the artwork coming out now.  I enjoy seeing other people’s tattoos and have no problems with anyone just because of their tattoos.  Having said that, there’s a huge difference in Lebron’s tattoos and Kevin’ tattoos.

I didn’t even know Kevin had tattoos until I googled him (I’m sorry Kevin, I don’t mean for that to sound nasty…it just does).  He has quite a few on his chest and back.  You don’t see them until he takes off his shirt, a huge difference from Lebron’s tattoos.  Lebron’s are up in your face, you can’t miss them, doesn’t matter what he’s wearing on the court, tattoos.

Lebron has a big tattoo on his back which says: The Chosen One.  I read Lebron’s explanation of the tattoo, something about the phrase makes him push himself more, but to me it just seems to be arrogant and childish.

Kevin has a brand new tattoo on his back of the word Maryland, a praying angel holding a basketball and two hands: one holding up three fingers, the other five fingers.  Kevin wears the number 35 in honor of his mentor and his old amateur Athletic Union coach, Charles Craig, who was killed at age 35.

Social Butterfly:  After Miami won the championship, Lebron posted on Facebook the following: OMFG…I’m a CHAMPION!!! I AM a CHAMPION!!!  He didn’t say “we are champions”, he said I am a champion.  That goes along great with his The Chosen One tattoo.

This is how Kevin starts his blogs: What’s good everyone?  And his first blog?  It was about him eating sour patch extremes.  That sounds like something my daughter, Jessie would blog about.  Kevin seems more innocent…he probably isn’t…but I like thinking about a basketball player who wears a backpack, is humble, is loyal, and doesn’t flaunt his millions of dollars with a row of lavish cars and mansions in every major city.

Janet and I talked about the differences between Lebron and Kevin and my surprise at the seemingly depth of those differences.  I can’t fathom why two young men, both turning pro at an extremely young age, could turn out so very different.  Janet feels you are who you are from a very young age and no amount of growth opportunities will help if, deep down, you’re an immature person.  I tend to agree.


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For The Love of Sports!

Things are really heating up now, for us baseball and football fans.  I’m just beside myself with joy over the prospect of watching a few baseball games in the coming season.  Janet bought me a gift card for the Mariners for Christmas and we went and picked our games.  We’re going to see a game in May and one in September.  I can’t wait.

I’m also very excited about Matt Flynn becoming a Seahawk.  One thing the Seahawks need – out of many things – is consistency.  We need a quarterback who is good, not just someone who has “flashes of brilliance”.  I’ve come to realize this is French for “sometimes he’s great, but most of the time he sucks.”

I don’t know much about Flynn, just that he was a backup in Green Bay for a few years.  Hmmm…why does that sound familiar?  I’ll have to Google him and see what his deal is.  I did hear he has only started two games but he had a bunch of passing yards in those two games.  I’ve got my fingers crossed; and my eyes; and my legs.

During the Manning lottery, I saw a sentence with Peyton Manning and the Seahawks together and I swear I had a tiny stroke.  That would push me right over the edge…and make it impossible to go see a game.  It’s such a lovely stadium.  I really enjoyed myself the one game we saw last season.  It seems like I don’t have to worry about that problem: Manning decided on the Broncos.

I’ve mellowed over the years.  Just hearing about the Broncos, or Elway for that matter, no longer makes me grimace.  Okay, hearing Elway’s name does make me grimace just a little.  I actually enjoyed watching the Broncos, and Tebow, this past season; at least in the fourth quarter.  Hey, maybe Tebow could play for the Seahawks behind Flynn.  The coaches can put him in during the fourth quarter.  We would be unbeatable.

I feel bad for Tim Tebow.  The sportscasters are now talking about the Broncos “getting rid” of Tebow like he’s a boil on the backside of the Broncos.  I’ve also heard talk of putting Tim on the “trading block” and I picture him strutting up and down the catwalk while swarms of delirious evangelical daughters (and their fathers) bid on him like he’s something to be bought and sold.

It would be very nice if the Broncos kept Manning and Tebow.  Manning could take Timmy under his mighty wing and teach him how to be a truly great quarterback.  Take him back to the basics and learn some things like footwork and how to throw a football so people can catch it.  You know, the little things.

I’m really looking forward to baseball.  I know the season lasts about 9 months, but it seems like so long ago when the Mariner’s said goodbye to their season.  Oh right, they said that in July or August.  It has been a while.  We won’t talk about the Red Sox.  That was last year; this is a whole new season.

When I’m retired – technically, I’m a writer – I will visit every ballpark in the country and buy a baseball and store it in one of those cute baseball displays.  Every ballpark except for the Yankees.  I’ve mellowed on my opinion of the Broncos, but I have yet to mellow on my dislike of the Yankees.  I think that’s why I like Janet so much.  She doesn’t have any good feelings about them Damn Yankees either.


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Tim Tebow

Okay, I just have to ask:  Am I the only one, not an Evangelical Christian, mind you, who likes Tim Tebow?  At first he was annoying.  The commercial during the big game, the one with Tim and his Mom explaining how she almost aborted him, and thank God she didn’t?  That was a little over the top for me.  But I can’t help but be drawn to Tebow because of his focus and desire to win.

When he started playing pro football, he was roundly criticized for many things: his inaccurate passing, his horrible footwork, his Tebowing at the drop of the hat. (Tebowing is what they now call it when players bend on one knee and give thanks to God for whatever marvelous thing they just did.)  You have to admit, though, he does win games.

I’m from Seattle, I’m no fan of the Denver Broncos.  I became very tired of watching John Elway come back from the dead to beat my poor, long-suffering (on my part) Seahawks.  You would think Elway, of all people, could appreciate the comebacks Tebow has engineered in his short career.  But that doesn’t seem to be the case.

I watched as, after one comeback, Elway walked right by Tebow, completely ignored him.  Come on, John, he just won a game, give him a handshake.  John Elway even said he didn’t think his quarterback of the future was on the roster today.  That’s not a nice thing to say.  John did reverse himself, in the last day or two, saying he would spend the offseason with Tebow, working with him to be the best quarterback he could possibly be.  Not a ringing endorsement, but better than a swift kick in the butt.

I find myself having hypocritical thoughts all the time, I can’t help it: I’m human.  I find myself a bit of the hypocrite, especially when I’m driving.  I want people to slow down and drive like responsible, good drivers, but when they do, it makes me angry.  ‘Get out of my way, Grandma!’ is one of my more printable sentiments.

So, after reading in the papers and emails all the horrible things people do to each other day in and seemingly day out, I just want to read about a nice person who does good things.  But when I do read about a person like that, a person like Tebow, it annoys me to death.  “Really?  No one can be that nice!  He’s faking it.  Someone follow him around and catch him in the act of nastiness and debauchery.”  There’s a lot of that going around.

Am I not fully in the Tebow bandwagon just because of his over the top religious beliefs?  It does invoke a few eye rolls on my part, but if you take that part of him away, take away his religion, would I like him more?  Would I like him more if he weren’t an Evangelical Christian? What would that say about me?  Nothing annoys me more than when someone doesn’t like me just because of one aspect of who I am.  You liked me before you found out I was a Libra, I’m still the same person, don’t hate me just because of that.  If you don’t like my personality, that’s fine, I think there’s a club for you people.

Maybe I have a hard time believing he’s honestly that nice because I have watched TV Evangelists and Politicians too long.  They seem to thrive on saying one thing and doing the exact opposite.  To them, it’s better to say what people want to hear, need to hear, than the actual truth.  ‘Oh, give me money: God says you must to further his word.’ Really?  Not so you can own a fleet of cars, a plane and a mansion?

I’m a firm believer in freedom of religion.  But let me clarify: don’t force me to believe what YOU believe.  Let me just sit in the corner, my little non-believing corner, and let me be…and you can go to your corner…and believe whatever you want to believe.  As long as neither of us hurts anyone, who cares?

I like Tim Tebow, more and more as time goes on, because he seems to genuinely care about other human beings.  Something this world needs more of, in my opinion.  The guy can win a football game, too.  I like a person who has that much drive, that much ambition, that much belief in himself and beyond, to win football games on shear will alone.

Sure, he’s not the best quarterback to walk the planet. <Insert favorite good quarterback here> was a much better quarterback.  (Since I am limited in the good quarterback area, I’ll say Warren Moon, but I still hold a torch for Jim Zorn.  They robbed you, Zorn!  Damn Krieg!)  But Tebow seems to be a fundamentally good human being.  And if his religious beliefs created this persona, who am I to say he is wrong.


Ps.  I just finished the second draft to my book!  Yippee yeehaw!  I’ll read it one more time, just to catch the really ugly mistakes, print it out and give it to a couple of friends to read.  Janet and I tried to pick people who we thought would give honest opinions.  People who could gently steer me in the right direction, not make me cry, but let me know when something doesn’t make sense.  A lot of times, I know what I am talking about, nobody else does.  It makes it hard for me to communicate.

Janet, Jessie and I are celebrating Christmas with Janet’s family in Indiana this year, and I am looking forward to seeing their new house.  I can’t wait to go to a state I’ve never been to, spend time with Janet’s family (always a treat), and watch some good football.  What’s that Janet?  Oh, we’ll be watching the Colts play?  Damn, a team worse than my beloved Seahawks?  Sorry, just had to put that in there.  It’s nice, every once in a while, to not be the worst team in the NFL.

Janet and I will be going to Austin Texas, to visit friends, in January of the new year and we are very excited.  We have to be organized: creating lists of places to go and people to see.  Or we’ll just go out with friends, drink a little, eat a little, and get nothing done.  I know where we definitely want to go eat: Chuy’s, Rudy’s, Upper Crust bakery, maybe Guero’s (not our favorite restaurant, but it is the site of our very first date)…


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Someone Help the Seahawks, Please! Pt. 2

Okay, I hope the coaches and players spent last night, after a long day of drills, reading and expanding their minds on the joys of football.  I really hope you spent time reading at least once during the day.  I’d like to think sports figures were of sound mind and body.  Too much to hope for?

I wanted to address the special teams alone today because it is so critical to a well rounded football team.  A lack of ability on special teams, for the Seahawks, is one of the main reasons they are losing so badly.  I appreciate you guys giving the unemployed a job this past Sunday but maybe you should hire real football players to try their hand at the special teams squad.  I realize the lack of glitter and paparazzi in the special teams world might be off putting to attention hogging athletes, but spend some time and money there convincing guys to join in the fun.  You just might win a game or two more this season.

Gunner – these guys run down the field, as fast as they can, in hopes of tackling the kick returner, preventing him from getting good field position for his team.  Or, more importantly, to stop him from running all the way back for a touchdown.  Which is painful to watch.  Guys, I understand the need for speed, but try not to run so fast you go right past the ball carrier.  That doesn’t help.  Please, whatever you do, please, don’t run into each other, miss the guy completely, and end up in a heap on the ground.  I’m so tired of watching highlight clips on ESPN of our opponents.  “Wow, look at that great Bengals return! Those Seahawks sure do suck.”  Thanks, thanks a lot.  Please learn to tackle.

Holder – the red headed stepchild of the game.  When he does his job right, we completely ignore him; when he messes up, we line up the firing squad.  Nothing beats me down, as a fan, more than struggling down the field, having to settle for a field goal attempt, and watching butter fingers mess up the hold.  “Oh, don’t worry, Mr. Holder, we don’t need points or anything!”  Now this only applies to the Seahawks…if its…say…the Cowboys, I’m all for it!  So we backed our way into the playoffs, I’m okay with that.  We made the playoffs.  I’ll take ugly.  Now going in with a losing record?  That’s another embarrassing story.

Kick Returner – My Christmas wish is for the Seahawks to find their own Devin Hester.  He knows what to do with a kick return.  He doesn’t try and juke you out of your jockstrap: He grabs the ball and runs like the devils after him straight up the field.  Oh, and if you choose to run the ball out from deep in the endzone, you better make sure you consistently make 30 – 40 yards per return.  If you don’t I will talk badly about you for a very long time.  I’m being very nice and friendly now, but I can be vicious.

Long Snapper – another red headed stepchild.  He is the specialized center who only snaps for extra points, field goal attempts, and punts.  I’m not sure what he does in his spare time.  Even the Seahawks guy is only out there 10 or 15 times per game for punts and the occassional field goal attempt.

Place Kicker – besides the quarterback, this is the MVP of the team.  He scores more points than almost everybody.  Because of the nature of his role, the kicker is usually the oldest player on the field.  Which means he uses his wisdom to help the younger players mature.  When I dream, I dream big.

Punter – our punter looked pretty good…he kicked a couple of bombs.  I had a lot of opportunities to watch him and I am pretty happy with the way he kicked.  His stats are going to be impressive this year.  Of course, the Bengals had some great runbacks, so my smiles quickly fell over.

There are a couple of concepts I wanted to touch on before signing off, a couple of things where the coaches are missing the point.  The first one is very important, so important it will allow the coaches to retain their jobs and dignity: WIN!  This is the object of the game, the reason we have a team, the reason we pay a lot of money to watch the games.  I don’t want to hear about having fun and it’s not about winning, it’s how you play the game, and other pieces of crap we tell kids.  Please, I’m begging you: WIN!

Here’s another concept I’m afraid every coach on the sideline is missing:  in order to win multiple games you must SCORE POINTS!  As a fan, I love to see a shoot out, I never want to hear about another ‘intriguing defensive battle’.  That’s latin for ‘boring’.  Air it out, coach, bring the running game in later when the other team is tired from chasing the wide receivers around all day.  We won’t beat many teams with a 12 point total and we won’t beat ANY team with a 0 on our side.

The Seahawks have scored 109 points in 7 games for an average of 15.6 points per game.  Keep in mind, coach, there are only 32 teams total, so when I say we are 27th in scoring, we are close to scraping the bottom of the barrel.  The only reason we are that high is because in two of our games we scored near 30 both times.  Without those two games: we scored 49 points in 5 games for an average of just under 10 points per game.  Yikes.

Here are a couple of helpful hints to specific people who annoyed me during the game:

Mr. Running Back – if the quarterback gets the ball to you – run!  If you see a wall of humanity in front of you – avoid them!  Running into the back of your own men gets you nowhere.  How many yards did you have on sunday?  Try to find a ‘hole’ and run through it.  Don’t make me come up there and show you…nobody wants to see me run.

Mr. Coach – I think your ra-ra-go-team spirit is cute and amusing, but could you please kick some ass once in a while? I’ve learned something about having emotionally immature people in the house, from when my daughter was very young: a little fear of you goes a long way.  But you have to be willing to slap upside the head, or your threats are empty.  Don’t be a BFF, they are too old in the NFL; be a coach, one who yells and screams and holds people accountable for their actions.  I seriously doubt Holmgren took the Seahawks all the way to the superbowl by singing around the campfire and sharing smores.

I grew up in Seattle, grew up watching the Seahawks and Mariners play.  I’m so tired of saying ‘there’s always next year’ every single year.  I’ve already said it once and I hate the thought I will have to say it again.  Can we throw out your game plan and find another one?  Can’t you find something on ebay or craigslist?  This is not working so change what you are doing.  Watch tapes of good teams.  What are they doing?  Because if you don’t improve…I’ll…oh, hell, I’ll still watch!  But I won’t be happy.  Someone, anyone, please help my Seahawks.




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Someone Help The Seahawks, Please! Pt. 1

So, Janet and I went up to Seattle, this weekend, to visit Jessie and Grandma.  Oh, yeah, we also had tickets to watch the Seahawks play Cincinnati.  I’m not sure if the Bengals are good or we just made them look good.  In any case, the Seahawks looked bad.  Our other team, the New England Patriots, lost too so it was a bad football weekend for us.  Seattle looked a little confused on the field, almost like they didn’t know the rules or what their roles were.

This is where I come in:  I thought I would write down a few handy things for the players and coaches to read so they can brush up on their knowledge of football, clearly lost along the way.  If you are a fan: you can stop reading, you already know this stuff.  If you are a coach or player for the Seahawks: keep reading and take notes.

It’s important to have a general grasp of the field itself.  The American football field is 100 yards long, from goal line to goal line.  One each end, coaches, there are end zones, the places where points are found (remember this…very important).  At the back of each end zone is a goal post.  I know you are aware of the goal post as I seem to recall, in your last game, you scored a field goal.  Just the one all game.  Sad, but painfully true.  Silver Lining: you did manage to score in that game.

There are only two teams playing per game.  Coaches: it may seem like more…trust me, it’s not.  With only 11 players allowed on the field per team, you’d think the teams would be evenly matched.  They were not.  The players can be substituted as often as needed, unlike baseball, where you are taken out and sent to the locker room.  Hey, I read baseball players like to drink when they’re not playing.  Wouldn’t that be nice, guys?  You have to wait until after the football game is over to drown your embarrassment.

Teams are made up of three parts: offense, defense, and special teams.  Janet is convinced the Seahawks left their special team players on the bus and I tend to agree.

Here’s how the offense looks:

Quarterback – He is the leader on the field, the bus driver, the guy making the calls.  So I’ve heard.  Hey, who is our third stringer?  He any good?

Running Back – He’s the guy who runs with the football, usually for positive yards.  He’s looking for the ‘hole’ to run through.  If you don’t immediately see the hole, go make one.  If you are in the open field and a defensive player wants to tackle you, don’t let him.  Seriously, go check out some footage on Barry Sanders, he always made me smile.

Fullback – Is this even really a position anymore?  I only mention it in the hopes that Moose will come out of retirement and play for the Seahawks.

Wide Receiver – You guys make me exasperated.  You have one real job:  Catch Ball.  You need to wear different gloves, the kind with stick-um on them…or velcro.  Here’s what: Catch Ball.  Turn Head and Look Downfield. Run Fast. Evade Tackles.  In that order.  Didn’t Largent have any kids?

Tight End – Here’s one of my favorite positions: generally bigger than the scrawny wide receivers, good at many things, and generally reliable.  But pay attention to my ‘here’s what’ advice to the wide outs so you don’t get their dreaded disease: the Dropsies.  Most important:  Catch. Ball. First.

Center –  He’s the anchor of the offensive line: he snaps the ball to the quarterback and blocks the nose tackle.  Usually big and hairy.

Offensive Guard – They line up on either side of the center, their main job is to block the defensive guys who want to hurt the quarterback.  Don’t let them: protect the quarterback, he is your friend.

Offensive Tackle – not sure why they are called tackles, I’m pretty sure they can’t tackle the defensive players.  That would be nice, though.  Help your friends, the guards, in their job of protecting the quarterback.

It would be nice if the offensive linemen were less jabba the hut like and a little more agile.  Quick side to side movement would work for me.  If you give your quarterback time in the pocket, even the mediocre ones could be good.  If only we could find out.

The Seahawk defense looked good, our one little glimmer of hope.  Here’s how the defense works:

Nose Tackle – lines up across from center; drools, slobbers, and talks smack trying to get you off your game.  Also large and hairy.

Defensive Tackle – these guys line up across from the offensive guards and tackles.  From what I’ve seen lately, they are lean, mean, and quick.

Linebacker – the quarterback of the defense.  Their main job is to call the shots, blitz, and tackle.  They are generally located behind the defensive line.  Know where they are at all times, they will make you pay for mistakes.

Cornerback – the next line of defense.  They cover the wide receivers and keep them from catching balls.  One little thing I’ve learned from my armchair: If you look like you are going for the ball, you can get away with more questionable stuff.

Safety – the last line of defense.  The buck stops with you.  I hope you are the fastest people on the field.

I’m going to stop here, for today, because I want the coaches to do some research before I talk about special teams.  I found all the information I needed for this informational talk from  Just look for the ‘football 101’ section, they go into a lot more detail than I did, I certainly don’t want to insult you, read it for yourself.  You lose games without good players, good coaching, on special teams.  Look it up.













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