Bob, Brittani, and the Lime and Bitters Assault

I love to laugh and there’s a lot out in the world I find downright funny.  The things people say to me, the things which make me laugh out loud, are usually things I’m not expecting them to say.  When I’m shocked or surprised by someone, my first reaction is to laugh.  Sometimes it’s inappropriate, but if you know me well enough you realize I don’t mean anything by my outbursts.

I like to surround myself with original and funny people.  I’ve met quite a few people over the years that had absolutely no sense of humor, at least no humor I could find.  I was afraid Jessie would turn out to be a serious and very literal person but, I’m happy to say, she has turned into a very funny and quirky pre-teen.

Janet is another funny and unique person I have surrounded myself with, although I’m not sharing any of our stories here:  I couldn’t think of an appropriate one I would want my mom to read.

Bob: the Guidance Counselor Guy

When I decided to go back to school, I had a hard time picking a degree.  I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up; I still don’t.  I asked myself: “myself, what classes did you enjoy in high school?”  That was a lot harder to do than one might imagine.  A lot of high school is just a blur and I wonder if some of my memories are actually movies I’ve seen over the years.  Hard to tell.

The only class I can really say I enjoyed in high school was genetics.  For anyone who groaned: I was born this way…I can’t help myself.  So, I settled on Microbiology as a major and went to talk with someone in the admissions office about what classes I needed to take after wrapping up my community college career.

Bob: Hi, my name is Bob and I’ll be your guidance counselor today.

Me: Hi, Bob. My name is Jenn and I would like a degree in Microbiology.  What classes should I take?

Bob: Really?  Are you sure?  You need 2 years of a foreign language, cell biology, pathogenic microbiology, organic chemistry 1 and 2…as a matter of fact you have to take so much chemistry you have no choice but to minor in chemistry.

Me: Oh, that doesn’t sound like fun to me.  I don’t really enjoy chemistry.

Bob:  Hey!  You picked this degree!  (I was not expecting him to say anything remotely like that and I laughed until tears rolled down my face.  So, here was Bob, who already thought I was a little loopy for my degree choice, thinking I’d really gone off the deep end.)

Brittani: The Nurse’s Aide

I now realize, with my diploma in hand, how scary hospitals are for people who have studied science and pathogenic microbes.  I tend to be very nervous in hospitals and doctor’s offices and I try to relax by cracking jokes.

Brittani: Hi, I’m Brittani and I’ll be helping you today.

Me: Hi, Brittani, I’m Jenn and I’ll be your pincushion today.

Brittani: You are so silly, Jenn.  Come over here so I can get your weight.

Me: I’m sorry…what?  Do you really need to see how much I weigh?  Can’t you just eyeball me?

Brittani: No, silly.  We take everybody’s weight and blood pressure.

Me:  Can I weigh myself alone and give you the number?

Brittani: No.  Come on now, Jenn.  Don’t make me get mean.

Me: Can I weigh naked?

Brittani:  Oh my God!  Not out here in the hall!  (I think I found this so funny back then because she seriously thought I wanted to strip in front of all those people.  I find it funny now because I weigh 20 pounds more than I did then.)

Sally: The Lime and Bitters Barkeep

I used to go out and drink a lot.  When I drink, I get the hiccups…a lot.  Just another charming quality of mine.  I went out one night, about 20 years ago and had a bad case of the hiccups. <shudder>.

Sally: Are you alright, honey?

Me: Yeah, I’m just enjoying my Jack and coke with a side of hiccups.

Sally: Would you like me to help you with that?

Me: Yes, please.

Sally: Here, this never fails to cure hiccups.  It’s called lime and bitters.  Let me go and help these people at the end of the bar.  I’ll come back and check on you.

(Without realizing what I was doing, I grabbed the lime, soaked in bitters, and bit into it.  I cannot describe what it tasted like…I’m not sure it had an actual taste…I just knew I had put something evil in my mouth.  Have you ever tasted something sour and the inside corners of your mouth pucker up and salivate?  It was like that except on crack riding a tsunami.

I spit the lime out and tried to stem the flow of saliva from my mouth with a rag from the counter.  My mouth tried to suck my face into it, but I fought it hard.  My eyes were flooded, my nose was bubbling up and I’m pretty sure something was running out of my ears.  I’m glad all my sphincters work properly because everything else stayed right where it should.

I have never had my tongue, before then or since, grow a mind of its own and work independently from the rest of me.  My tongue worked for about 5 minutes at getting every last shred of liquid out of my mouth and spit it on the floor.)

Sally: (after finding the lime in between 2 bottles 20 feet away) Oh, honey, you did that wrong.  You’re supposed to eat it!  (I actually didn’t laugh at that point because I was unable to (Sally sure did laugh)…but, for the next 5 years, every time I had the hiccups all anyone had to say was lime or bitters or anything remotely resembling bitters and my mouth would clamp shut, the salivating would begin, my tongue would flop around uncontrollably in my mouth, and I would no longer have the hiccups.)

Jessie: The Only Child

My ex and I have an agreement: he will teach her how to drive and I will have “the talk” with her.  I decided, last year, to have that talk when she was only 10 because I wanted to influence her thinking before she got old enough to not care what I said.  I want her to be prepared for the birds and the bees and I don’t want anything to happen to her because of ignorance.  That and I wanted to scare her with STDs and teen pregnancy.

You should have seen it:  I had a slide show with graphic pictures and anatomically correct dolls with Velcro private parts and everything.  It was quite impressive, if I do say so myself.  I gave her “the talk” in my very serious, I’m not messing around, you’d better pay attention if you want to live, Must Obey Me voice.  Jessie was very quiet, taking it all in, covering her mouth (in horror, I hoped) occasionally.

Me:  So, Jessie.  That’s the end of our slideshow for today, although we might pick this up later when I find the slides for Chlamydia.  Anyhoo…do you have any questions or comments for me?

Jessie:  No, but thanks, mom.

Me:  Why Jessie, you look happy, did you enjoy my presentation on sex that much?

Jessie:  God no, mom, that was really embarrassing.  Now I understand the joke on the bus this morning.  (THAT’S what she got out of our talk?  So much for Velcro and slideshows.)




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2 responses to “Bob, Brittani, and the Lime and Bitters Assault

  1. stitchscience

    Oh god , I choked with laughter reading that. Love it!

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