Showing Some Restraint

A few years back, I had a couple of tattoos put on my triceps that I love and they have special meaning to me (as all tattoos should have, IMO).  They’re Kanji symbols, Japanese calligraphy, and the one on my left translates to ‘peace’ and the one on the right to ‘love’.

I know, I know: I grew up in Seattle, what a granola girl!  I don’t really think of myself as a granola girl, though.  I can be quite conservative in a weird liberal, leave me alone way.  Anyhoo, I picked those symbols because that’s the type of person I wanted to become.

Every time I walk away from someone, I want that person to think, “Wow, what a loving and peaceful person that Jenn is…an absolute pleasure to be around!”  Since I have never actually heard anyone say those things, I figure I have a lot of work to do, still, before I can attain inner peace and love.  I’m trying, though, I’m trying very hard.

I really want to change the way I act towards other people.  I try to think about each person as an individual, with their own issues, problems, and emotions.  I find it easier to have inner peace and be a loving person when I’m exercising and eating properly, but since that isn’t happening at the moment, I have to rely on good ol’ restraint.

Janet and I went to Seattle, last weekend, looking for a place to live and I thought I showed a great deal of restraint with the people who crossed my path.  When I went to the grocery store to pick up a few items, the young man asked me how I was doing.  He asked with a smile on his face and he looked like he was truly interested in my well being.

I wanted to say, “I’m buying a jumbo box of super absorbent tampons and a case of beer.  How the f$&k do you think I’m doing?!?”  But I didn’t.  I held it in and said, “Why, I’m doing just fine.  And you?”  I thought I showed a lot of restraint…considering I wasn’t feeling peaceful and loving.  At all.  The beer did help, though.

When it was time to check out of the hotel, I looked high and low for a luggage cart to help with all our bags and stuff.  When traveling by car, Janet and I pack everything we can think of to take with us, and then a few other items, just in case.  I walked around, looking for a cart, and had to go back upstairs empty handed.

After making three trips down to the car, loaded down with just about everything we own, I unlocked the car to try and cram the last items into the back.  Just then, an older gentleman came up to me, pushing a luggage cart, and asked, “Young lady, would you like this cart here?”  I had to stop and take a deep breath.

I wanted to say, “Really?  Really with the cart?  You ask me NOW after I’ve dragged all this s#*t down to the car.  You ask when I’m putting the last of my stuff into my car?  Really?”  But I didn’t.  What I said was, “No, thank you, sir.”  I did look away quickly, in case he saw that twitchy look in my eye.  I did appreciate the ‘young lady’ comment.

When Janet and I got home and managed to unload the car, we sat around watching preseason football.  Janet asked me, “What happened to the Seahawks quarterback from last season?  What was his name?  Why isn’t he playing?”  To which I replied, “Tavaris Jackson.  I haven’t seen or heard much about him either.  I think they’re trying to trade him.”

So, you might ask, what was Janet’s very unkind and thoughtless response to a lifelong Seahawks fan?  “Wow, he must really suck for Seattle to trade him.”  I wanted to say, “Hey!  That’s mean!  Just because your team is New England doesn’t give you the right to be mean to us small market people!  You didn’t always have Tom Brady, you know!  You could have your own Peyton season, little lady!  I think you owe me an apology.  And some candy.”

But I didn’…oh wait!  I did say those things!  Because, seriously, if you can’t be yourself around your partner, when can you be?  Isn’t that always the way?  Your significant other spends all their energy, outside in the real world, pretending to be a peaceful and loving person and when they get home, they’re so tired from the exertion, they stop acting nice.   Hmmm…is that why relationships are so hard?

UPDATE:  Our lease is up at the end of August, here in Bend, and we’re really not sure what to do.  Should we buy something, a little condo/townhouse relatively inexpensively, or should we rent an apartment for a while and keep looking for the perfect house for us?  It’s a tough decision and I really don’t know what to do.

The thought of renting in a densely packed apartment building doesn’t sound appealing.  Our last experience at an apartment wasn’t the best, but it’s quick and easy.  I don’t like the thought of throwing money away by renting, but sometimes renting is the easiest and most flexible option.

I’m not sure which way we’ll go, buy or rent, but I do know we’ll be without a place to call our own, once again, next week.  That’s okay.  As long as I have Janet and Jessie, I’m perfectly happy.  Was that peaceful and happy?  Too much?

jenn

ps.  I don’t want to jinx the Mariners, but, yippee!

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