I really wanted to like this movie. I mean: I really, really wanted to like this movie. Janet and I were so excited we went to see this on opening weekend. We never do that; as a matter of fact, we rarely go out at all and never past 9pm.
We left the theater disappointed but not entirely sure why. The movie had so much potential and it just never lived up to it. Janet and I talked about this movie for weeks, maybe we built it up too high and it couldn’t possibly live up to our middle aged hysterical hype. Spoiler Alert: if you haven’t seen this movie, and you plan to, please stop reading.
I want to talk about the characters first before the general plot.
Kristen Stewart: I really want to like her, but I don’t. Every time I watch her in a movie all I see is a kid who looks incredibly bored and is only acting in these silly movies because they throw a lot of money at her. I don’t want to watch that. I find it hard to believe Kristen Stewart’s character could entice a group of mostly men to fight and die for her. I just didn’t feel it.
It looks like someone plucked her out of Forks and flung her into this weird mythical land because as Snow White she walks around with a look that says, “where the hell am I and why am I here?” And, seriously, if the girls back then wore pants under those skirts, why didn’t they all tear them off?
Charlize Theron: When I first saw Charlize in her Dior commercial I’m pretty sure I had a mini stroke. I know I lost some brain cells. Needless to say, I will watch anything Ms. Theron is in, she is radiant. But even her turn as the evil Queen Ravenna left me lacking interest and utterly disappointed in the ending.
She was evil in Snow White but she wasn’t Deliciously Evil, know what I mean? She spent way too long as a 200 year old woman. Her vanity was a necessary part of the story, she has to ask about being the fairest, right? But her utter psychosis about it was troubling. And she screeches way more than anyone, man or woman, should.
Chris Hemsworth: He’s very funny as Thor, what a brute. I thought he was a little old for Kristen’s character, is she even legal? Every time Snow White wandered near the Huntsman, I swear I could see her shudder. I’m not sure if he smelled, but he looked like he smelled. Although, when Snow escaped from the castle, she didn’t look like she smelled too good, either.
Plot: There are just a few plot points I’d like to work through. Like, why didn’t Ravenna kill Snow right in the beginning? That would be a boring movie, true, but to ruthlessly kill the King and then throw Snow in a cell and keep feeding her? It would have been better if Snow had escaped as a child and spent her formative years in the woods until the mirror ratted her out to the Queen. Then Ravenna could have sent the Huntsman out to get her.
Snow escapes from her cell a little too easily, in my opinion, but she has to escape so she can come back and take over the throne, I get it. I’m thinking the Queen’s brother let her go because he was distracted by his haircut (who told him he looked good like that? He should have borrowed his sister’s mirror.).
I wasn’t sure if Snow was interested in the Huntsman, or William, or that girl from the Joan Jett movie. When William kissed her and it didn’t wake her up I thought, “wait, is the Huntsman going to kiss her? I hope he shaves first, that will leave a face burn.”
The movie starts out dark and cold, not my favorite states, but moves into this weird fairy tale land where Bambi lives (nice rack!), flutterbys rule and plants are cotton candy. Then it goes back to cold and dark, which to me is a little jarring.
The troll I didn’t get. He attacks the Huntsman, knocks him out and roars his terrible roar at Snow. Did he walk away because she was the one and only Snow White? Or does he only like living things and didn’t discern a pulse from Kristen? Wait! Sometimes I like things explained to me! The 8 dwarves…look out behind you, number 8!…I mean, 7 dwarves were funny little creatures and some of them looked vaguely familiar.
And can I just say the scene where Ravenna walks into a giant vat of milk…ewwww.
But what bugged me the most was the ending. The Huntsman explained to Snow, earlier in the film, the importance of pushing the knife in to your opponent’s heart, keeping it there, and watching the life drain out of them. I thought, aha!, that’s how Snow will kill the Queen, but she doesn’t!
Snow does stab Ravenna, but Ravenna pulls out the knife, crawls into a corner and dies. No shouting, no fireworks, no evil spirits leaving her body, nothing but a little cowering in the corner. I wanted Ravenna to fight back and make Snow work for the crown. I was so disappointed.
I have the amazing ability to lose myself in a movie, completely lose myself, so plot and serious acting really doesn’t matter all that much, especially if there are pretty pictures floating by. Some might say this is due to my lack of brain cells, but I’m pretty sure I just don’t like to think much. So, when a movie seems illogical, hard to follow, or Charlize looks like a little old lady who yells a lot, I get a little disappointed. This movie could have been great but wasn’t; I could have put the money spent at the theater in our savings account (be quiet, Budge!), but I didn’t.