My Bipolar Vacuum

Last year, before the dreaded Budge slithered out from under its rock and took over our lives, we bought a Dyson vacuum cleaner on sale at  We bought a refurbished one and I’m always a little leery about buying used equipment, but we decided it was such a good deal, we could live with it.

The first time I fired it up I was amazed and dismayed within a span of 10 minutes.  I started in the bedroom and managed to suck up my phone charger within 30 seconds of starting it.  Wow, I wasn’t even that close, but it wrapped itself around the vacuum before it registered in my brain that I should probably turn it off.

I was amazed!  No crumb or fallen gray hair had a chance in the homestead now.  I thought the floors would be clean enough to eat off of.  I won’t, but it would be nice if I could.  I went around to the other side of the bed and sucked up a sock I had thrown on the floor (don’t you wish you lived with a slob like me?).  Wow!  This thing was powerful!

When I made it to the dining room (okay, we live in an apartment, more of a dining niche) I noticed a bright red string on the ground and ran over it.  It was still there when I pulled the Dyson back.  What the…?!?  Let me try that again.  Still there!  For the life of me, I couldn’t get the Dyson to vacuum up that little red string, and I tried for about 30 seconds.

I turned it off and picked up the string, tossing it in the trash.  No, it wasn’t glued down to the carpet.  I turned the vacuum back on and stuck my fingers near the hole to check out the sucking power of the Dyson.  I can honestly say: DON’T EVER DO THAT!  I can’t remember how many layers of dermis we have, but I’m pretty sure I lost 3 or 4.  Just one more thing I can put on my “The top 100 stupid things I have done in my life” list, my ever evolving originally titled “Top Ten List”.

So, I went to the trash, pulled the red string out, and threw it back on the floor.  Did the Dyson finally pick it up?  Not at all.  I’m just glad my Mom wasn’t in the room because I said a bunch of things that were neither intelligent nor nice.  Seriously.  How could my Dyson pick up my thick jogging sock and not a little piece of string?  Was I the only person who owned a bipolar vacuum?

I’m beginning to think this Dyson wasn’t actually refurbished at all.  Someone probably bought it, couldn’t handle the bipolar aspects of it and sent it back.  The techs, I’m sure, tried to figure out what was wrong, couldn’t and resold it to some poor soul who doesn’t know any better.  That would be me.

But I’m not just any person.  I don’t give up that easily.  My head isn’t this big because I have an abnormally large brain; my skull is just incredibly thick.  I won’t back down from a challenge thrown down by an inanimate object.  I’m here to tell you: it won’t get the better of me.  I refuse to be told to hit the showers by yet another “thing”.  (Curse you, Budge!)

So I will spend my vacuuming time trying to figure out the nuances of my relatively new Dyson.  I’ll use it, play with it, and curse at it until we come to an understanding: If my Dyson could find it in its motor to work properly for me, I could find it in my heart to not destroy it with my hammer.  Unless you are in the market for a Dyson, and then, boy!, do I have a deal for you!

Budget Update: Speaking of the cursed Budge, Janet and I have completed three full months on our budget and we (barely) came under Budge only once, the shortest month of the year: February.  January can be blamed on the Prius and travel.  February we actually did a pretty good job of controlling our spending.  March was a totally different story.

We were out of control in March, going 25% over our budget.  It’s hard to determine what went wrong; besides the fact we spent money like crazy.  We weren’t over in just one or two categories; we were over in every category with a variable.  March just seems like such a long month.

April looks pretty good so far.  I would like to say it’s because we have more control, but I’m thinking it’s really because we aren’t buying anything since we’re moving at the end of April and we don’t want to carry anything else.  We have a lot of stuff.  It’s still early, we could veer off into the spending abyss, but I have high hopes we’ll come under budget.

I’ll be spending May with Janet in California, so it will be interesting to see how often we yell, “Curse you, Budge!”  I honestly don’t think we’ll be close to Budge.  I think we’ll either be way under or way over.  Travel expenses could be a killer for us but I’ll let you know how it ends.

Book Update: We just got the preliminary work back from the graphic designer on the first book and we love it!  It’s perfect for the vision we had for the cover.  I don’t know what we would do without…we’ll call her “Devan”.  Just another month and I think JJ Wallingford will be a (self-) published author!



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