A Conversation With My Body

So, I was driving home last night, from a meeting I had in Portland, one of my all time favorite cities, and I had a thought.  Why don’t our minds and bodies communicate together?  We’ve made huge strides, as a civilization, since the time of the Caveperson.  Ginormous strides in all kinds of different areas.  So why can’t my brain tell my body that I’m trying to lose weight, so, body, quit lowering my metabolism, please!

My second, more urgent, thought was: I’m really hungry.  Speaking of counting calories, I always know when I’m losing weight by my hunger: if hunger is constantly bubbling beneath the surface, I’m losing weight.  I’ve lost 3 pounds in the last 3 weeks.  If I keep this up, I’ll be dead by mid 2013.  Don’t worry, Janet; I’ve got a ways to go.

I love the idea of losing 1 pound a week.  But losing weight, and life in general, would be a lot easier if only my mind (Jennhead) and body (Jennbod) could actually speak to one another.  So I was thinking, on my drive over the bridge, what would that conversation sound like?  Knowing me, I’m pretty sure it would go something like this:

Jennbod: I’m hungry.

Jennhead: I just ate a Wendy’s burger not 2 hours ago. (disclaimer: now before you say anything resembling, “what the…” about trying to lose weight and eating a burger know this: I still had 900 calories left on my day and could afford the 450 calories of the burg.  That’s why I walk around town for an hour a day.)

Jennbod: Fries would have been nice.

Jhead: I couldn’t afford those calories, sorry.

Jbod: Hmmmph.

Jhead: This is your fault, you know, Jennbod.

Jbod: How is this my fault?

Jhead: Well, if you would just rev up your metabolism, none of this calorie counting would be necessary.  I’d just feed you whatever you wanted, you could easily burn off the extra calories, and you would be a drop dead gorgeous bod.  As it is, you are the Pillsbury doughgirl.

Jbod: What!?!  It’s not that easy, bighead, I haven’t evolve as much as, well, not your brain, but other brains.  I have this fight or flight thing going on.

Jhead: And the water retention, what’s that about?  Can’t I just tell you I’m not thirsty and not have it be life or death?

Jbod: No, if I don’t have enough water in my system, I panic and keep a hold of the water floating around.

Jhead:  What are you talking about?  I’m within 10 feet of a spigot at all times!  We live in the middle of a big city! Can’t you see that?

Jbod: No, I don’t have eyes.

Jhead:  Oh, right.  You’ll just have to trust me on this one, I’ll tell you if we’re in the middle of the Sahara and in deep doodoo.

Jbod: I don’t work that way.  Plus, I don’t trust you.  You lie.

Jhead: I like to think of it as stretching things a bit, trying to find the boundaries of the truth.

Jbod:  Jackass.

Jhead: Hey!  There’s no need for that kind of talk, Jennbod, we pretty much have to stick together, you know.

Jbod: Hmmmph.

Jhead: Oh, and while I have your attention: do you think it might be possible to warn me about any weird growths?

Jbod: You mean like that ugly thing sprouting out of my neck?

Jhead: Hey! No, wow, you’re something when you’re hungry.

Jbod: Feed me. Now.

Jhead: Just a minute!  If you see anything out of the ordinary, any weird cellular growths, or anything at all…could you just send me an email early enough before it gets too big to deal with?

Jbod: Are you near a Jack in the Box?  I love those weird little tacos.

Jhead: No!  Seriously, bod, why won’t you talk with me about these things?  Life would be so much easier if we communicated with each other.  Can’t we do that?  Can’t we just talk to each other?

Jbod: No.

Jhead: Why not?

Jbod: I don’t have the energy.  I’m too worn out from lack of food.

Jhead: Well then, I just won’t feed you until we work out a communications schedule.

Jbod:  What?!? A communications what?!?

Jhead: You heard me.

Jbod: Okay, this is war.

Jhead: Oh, yeah?  What you gonna do?  Huh, bod?

Jbod: I strongly suggest you get me to a bathroom.


And that’s enough of that imaginary conversation!  That was totally uncalled for, Jennbod.  Yikes.  It would be nice if our minds and our bodies talked with one another, though, wouldn’t it?  Maybe not that exact conversation, at least not for you.  You’ve probably matured past 11 or 12.  I’m still working on it.

As it is, I’m going to have to assume that my mind and body won’t be conversing anytime soon.  So I’ll keep up with my food journaling, keep up with my 1 pound a week weight loss, keep wandering the earth trying to burn a few more calories.  I still have 450 calories in today’s calorie bank…I wonder how many calories are in two Jack in the Box tacos?



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