Monthly Archives: November 2011

The Holiday Season Starting Too Early? Change the Bill of Rights.

Holiday Shopping Season Starting Too Early?  Fix the Bill of Rights.

So, I was in Arby’s the other day when I noticed they were playing Christmas music already.  This was on November 9th.  Wait a minute!  We hadn’t even made it to Veteran’s Day yet, let alone Thanksgiving.  I find this a little annoying.  Then I started noticing ads on TV with a Holiday theme.  Even the airport is decorated with Christmas decorations already.  Something must be done.

Veteran’s Day is a holiday to reflect on the sacrifices made by a few for the benefit of the whole.  It is a day to personally thank the men and women of the armed forces who have made the world what it is today.  This should not be overlooked for the monstrosity also known as the Holiday Shopping Season.

This is my opinion, I can’t speak for anyone else, but Thanksgiving, to me, is a time for family and for thanking your lucky stars for the good things in your life, whatever those may be.  It’s a quiet time centered on family, food, and football.  For some of us it is a time for sweating with an oldie at the local Turkey Trot 5k.  For others it is a time for giving back to the community.  It’s a holiday that is constantly being overlooked, shunned and disrespected by the big retailers.  Why?  It’s not a big moneymaker.

We’ve gotten away from our original intents about what the holiday season means.  Christmas and Chanukah have become more about gifts and spending money than about family, food, and football.  What can we do about this problem?  At first I thought we could just create more legislation.  I quickly realized that is the last thing we need, I have a hard enough time keeping up.  Maybe we should just insert a few sentences or phrases, in the Bill of Rights, to address this problem.

The Bill of Rights are the first 10 Amendments to the U.S. Constitution.  They were amended because the founding fathers decided there weren’t enough protections for the general population and they tried to make amends for a too strong government.  I thought this would be a perfect place for inserting some restrictions on the Holiday Shopping Season, before ‘they’ start encroaching on the July 4th celebrations.

I propose the day after Thanksgiving for the official opening of the Holiday Shopping Season.  No Christmas music, or festivals, or decorations, or anything related to Christmas, can be displayed before Black Friday.  I will allow the Thanksgiving paper to have ads for Black Friday sales as I really enjoy the extra Sunday paper on Thursday.

Here are the first 10 amendments to the constitution. I’ve just added a couple of provisions here and there:

First Amendment – Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech (unless it has to do with speech about Christmas before Thanksgiving), or of the press (except for instances of holiday ads before Thanksgiving); or the right of the people peaceably to assemble (except if you are assembling in front of Big Box Store for the best deals on Black Friday, especially if that Black Friday sale now starts on Thanksgiving Day! WalMart, you should be ashamed!  Sleep in and get to the store at a reasonable hour like the rest of us), and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances (clarification – I will petition the government if you insist on annoying us with Christmas music before it is time.  Beware – I have a lot of grievances.).

Second Amendment – A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a (Christmas music) free State (before Thanksgiving), the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed. (The militia will be needed to enforce strict Thanksgiving rules – see First Amendment.)

Third Amendment – No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner (come on home, my military friends, and enjoy a Thanksgiving with your family – Thank You for your service – enjoy it Christmas free at home), nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law (new law – no Holiday decorations before Thanksgiving).

Fourth Amendment – The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects (none of which involves pre-Thanksgiving Holiday Shopping craziness – then you have no rights), against unreasonable searches and seizures (unless you have a giant inflatable Santa in your front yard in early November), shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched (all big box stores – including their hidey-holes under the stairs – will be searched for decorations daily in October and November), and the persons or things to be seized.

Fifth Amendment – No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger (public danger being exposure to two solid months of Holiday decorations and music); nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself (you cannot plead the fifth in a trial against human nature aka The Thanksgiving Day Trial.  Did you or did you not play Mariah Carey’s Christmas album on November 9th Arbys?), nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Sixth Amendment – In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury (good luck finding people not annoyed by the Holiday Season by the time Christmas finally comes around if you start celebrating in October) of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.

Seventh Amendment – In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law. (At a quick glance – I have no idea what is going on here – we’ll skip this one)

Eighth Amendment – Excessive bail shall not be required (unless it is a pre-Thanksgiving offense, then bail will be ginormously excessive), nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted (oh, it will be cruel and unusual if we catch you with mistletoe before Thanksgiving).

Ninth Amendment – The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights (like the Holiday Season shall only last 4 weeks), shall not be construed to deny or disparage others (unless said people were annoying in their too early celebrations, then deny and disparage to your heart’s content) retained by the (like-minded) people.

Tenth Amendment – The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the (designated) people (appointed by Jenn, an avid, lets-wait-until-after Thanksgiving to put the tree up and play Christmas music, person.).

If nothing else, I haven’t read through these amendments in a very long time.  Actually, I can’t remember back that far.  It’s nice to brush up on our individual rights – you never know when you might need one.

Happy Thanksgiving, don’t eat too much at once, spread it out over the entire weekend.


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What My Dogs Have Taught Me

So, a while back, I started writing this blog post for Janet in the hopes I could convince her how badly I wanted a dog. The original title: ‘My Arguments for a Dog’.  About halfway, I realized it wasn’t about that at all.  My blog had turned into what my two dogs, Sam and Haley, had taught me in their short lives: how to stop being so selfish, what unconditional love looked like, and how to be a better parent.

Not to knock my ex-husband, but relationships with humans invariably contain some uncertainty and directionally different growth. Sam and Haley also taught me dogs were my animal of choice, not cats and certainly not birds. The dogs taught me just how thin the line was between love and anger like nobody else…until I had Jessie.

I’d wanted a dog during my childhood, but we couldn’t afford one, so I endured a dog free upbringing. When John (my ex) shot down my request for a dog shortly after our marriage, I was devastated.  How could he not want a little puppy? I did not give up, pestering him until we reached a compromise: we would adopt a dog eventually, but I had to start small. If I could keep a little creature alive, not do too much damage to it, I could adopt a cat and then a dog.

For the next Christmas, John bought me a gorgeous, ornately carved wooden birdcage.  I ran down to the nearest pet store and explained to the helpful young man what I needed. “I want a big, beautiful bird, maybe a Macaw or Cockatoo, for my big, beautiful birdcage.” I said with a smile. I was so ready to be a pet owner.

“First off, you realize those birds can live up to 50 years, right? Second, since your cage is wooden, you can’t put one of those birds in there, they’ll chew right through it. Your best bet is a finch or a parakeet.” The mean man said.  What? I haven’t done anything for 50 years!  That sounds like a very long time.

So, John and I became the proud owners of 2 Java Rice Finches. Just a heads up: these birds hate people. They hated my very existence. They would squawk at me when I walked by their home, attack me when I put my hand in to feed them, and yell nonstop when I cleaned up their mess. I quickly realized what a mistake adopting the birds had been but I couldn’t take them back: I was in this for the long haul.

One died about a year after we got them, not sure why, but I worried it would hurt my chances for a dog so I argued, ‘Hey, one outta two ain’t bad!’ Yeah, John didn’t find that funny either. I felt sorry for the finch left behind so I decided it needed a companion.  I tried to convince John it needed a little friend…a little dog friend.  Let’s just skip the cat, shall we? I must admit, I used the ‘a dog would protect me when you’re gone’ card since John works midnights. Hey! That worked.

Haley was the cutest puppy in the world.  Hyperbole aside, Haley was an adorable little dog: black with tan markings and 3.5 pounds when we got her at 6 weeks old.  She was all cuteness wrapped up in a furry, sharp toothed little package. She spent the first couple of days sleeping on our chests, the sounds of our heartbeats giving her comfort.  I fell hard for Haley. She was my first little baby girl, my pride and joy, my neurotic little bundle of kisses. I loved her so much I figured, what the heck, I should get another one.  I feel great owning one dog, I’ll feel twice as good with two.  That’s how I feel when I drink too, unfortunately.

So we adopted Samuel Adams (John named this one), Sam to friends. Sam was everything Haley was not: male, big, loud, happy, not the brightest of the bulbs, but a sweet and friendly dog. They fought, like siblings do, and clamored for my attention, carving a place in my heart still there today. I loved them through their illnesses (dogs are more expensive than I realized), their destructive behavior (Sam, quit running through the screen door!), and their perfectly timed, just as I was falling asleep, barking.

We became a family, the four of us, and traveled everywhere together.  We camped, hiked and huddled together for warmth. We started basing all our life decisions around the dogs: ‘We can’t live here – no backyard for the dogs.’ ‘Can the dogs fit in the back of this vehicle? Yes? We’ll buy it!’ When we found out I was pregnant with Jessie, our whole world changed.  But not as much as it would have, had we not adopted Sam and Haley first. Because of them, I was better prepared for the huge shift in our lifestyle Jessie brought with her.

The dogs paved the way for me to become a parent. Without them, I would be the worst parent around, not just somewhere in the middle, wallowing in the mud. I loved them and knew, without a hint of doubt, they loved me too. They taught me it was normal to feel that much anger at something you loved completely.  Very important concept when you have kids. Even when I chased the dogs in the backyard, yelling and screaming at them, those rotten dogs with fear in their eyes, they knew I loved them.  The just wouldn’t let me catch them.

Dogs don’t have hidden agendas.  They just want to be loved.  They made me realize I deserved to be loved unconditionally, too. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without having Sam and Haley in my life. They made me more loving and forgiving, more gentle and caring. Yelling, screaming, and chasing aside.

Oh, the last little finch? I did a bad thing, but my heart was in the right place. I definitely had an Oh S*!t moment, though. I felt bad for the little bird. I wanted her to fly with her cousins on the other side of the window. Yes, in my infinite wisdom (in my 20s) I decided to let her go.  Fly!  Be free little bird.  So, we let her go.

She flew 10 feet and landed on our back patio. She stood there and watched Haley walk up to her.  Haley killed her.  Oh S*!t, I didn’t see that coming. Apparently, the bird didn’t either. For years I felt like a murderer and yet Haley didn’t see what the problem was. She had no idea why I was chasing her around the backyard, as I yelled and screamed. She had no idea at all, my rotten little baby girl.

So, the animal I adopted to show the world I could take care of another living thing, the bird, was eaten by the animal I truly wanted, the animal I was able to adopt because of the bird. There has got to be a scary/moral/funny/weird lesson in that story, right?




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Some of My Favorite Things

So, I was thinking, the other day, about some of my favorite things (and although Janet might spontaneously break out into the Sound of Music soundtrack – I am not a fan) and why I like them.  I believe I started thinking about them when Janet and I passed by an Arbys and we commiserated over losing our favorite menu item: the loaded potato wedges.  I’m still mad at Arbys for taking those off the menu.  I notice a theme with my likes: all are of the candy theme.  Real candy, eye candy, brain candy; I can’t believe I’m not a diabetic.

Not everything on my list is food – I could easily do that list too – nor are they all embarrassing: a couple of these I haven’t told anyone outside of my ‘most favored nation’ list of friends.  These are not in any order – just wrote them down as I thought about them.  I’ll spare you the ‘Janet…’ and ‘Jessie…’ stuff; I don’t need anymore eye rolling in my life.  That is Jessie’s job.

Jack in the Box Tacos – Yes, my dirty little secret, I love these weird little tacos.  I’m not sure why but I love the nondescript meat-like paste and the fact they bother to put a little lettuce in there.  Granted it’s the potato chip of lettuce, iceberg, but it makes me feel better, almost like its healthy, am I right?  I try not to eat these often, because lettuce or no, they are not healthy, but I break down every now and then and buy them.  I wish they would sell them individually and not in pairs: I like to eat 3.  They are only 2 for a buck, so I deal with it.

Road House (1989) with Patrick Swayze, Kelly Lynch, Sam Elliott – I have to admit I am a big fan of this movie. I was…well…it doesn’t matter how old I was when this came out, let’s just say I wasn’t 2, and it was the first time I realized why I liked movies and I would never have a career as a movie reviewer.  I like not thinking (ever) too hard about things when I am in a movie theater.  I just want to suspend belief and have a good time: escapism at its finest.  It doesn’t hurt that the two leads are so attractive and Sam Elliott is one of my favorite character actors: what a wonderful piece of gristle he is!  Swayze is a bouncer with a philosophy degree – it could happen.

Janet Evanovich – She’s one of my favorite reads.  I love the Stephanie Plum series and the way she writes.  She has the most interesting peripheral characters.  I’m only up to number 8, but I enjoy reading her, not because she is technically great nor does she have amazing sentence structure, but because she is an easy, breezy read.  Sometimes that is exactly what I need.  I like her for the same reasons I like Fannie Flagg: the laid back, conversational, down home feel to her books.  One is more of the southern flair and the other is a big haired, cake eating, gun-toting kind.  Evanovich makes me want to fly to New Jersey just to see if the people really do act like that.

Castle (ABC) – I REALLY love this show.  I haven’t liked a show this much since…ever.  This is the one show I religiously watch during my alloted time: 10pm on ABC in my time zone.  Then I watch it on Hulu a couple of weeks later.  I’ve read all 3 of the Richard Castle books and I even have a t-shirt with ‘Shut the Front Door’ (thanks, Jan).  I used to think poorly of people this into a tv show – really, what is wrong with those Trekkies – but I am pretty close to being a Castlie.  Nathan Fillion is my favorite actor – hands down – I will go have a beer with him anytime.

Necco Wafers – I’m a big fan of candy.  Not the chocolate kind, really, but the pure sugar kind.  These were my favorite as a kid and I haven’t grown out of them.  I will have Neccos after dinner over traditional desserts on most days.  Unless there’s cheesecake involved.  After Halloween, I’ll go looking for mini Neccos.  I accidentally bought sour Neccos, one year, and was dismayed at the new trend in candy.  Not everyone who likes Neccos is 7, people.   I love me some runts, too.

Dunkin Donuts Coffee –  Growing up in Seattle, I wasted a lot of years unaware of DD.  Actually, I didn’t even start drinking coffee until I moved to Tulsa, OK, can you believe that?  Don’t worry, I feel much better now.  I didn’t become aware of DD until I met a certain East Coaster (the Other Coast) who clued me in to the yummy food and iced coffee.  If only Vancouver had a DD: I would be in Heaven.  I would open up a franchise here if it wasn’t for Starbucks and the fact you need 1.5 million to open one.  Here, let me write you a check!

Hulu – These guys are definitely on to something.  I think this format is the wave of the future and I hope all channels go to an open format where the option to watch when it suits you is the norm.  The freedom of Hulu is great, although I will admit: I probably watch more TV because of it.  The only shows I watch now (besides Castle) during the time I am forced to sit before the TV are on CBS because they don’t play well with others and I can never get the shows to run on my computer from  I watch most shows on Hulu and it helps that it’s free.  I won’t pay for Hulu Plus because Netflix has a much better catalog.  I didn’t include Netflix in this list because they are annoying me with all their drama and bad decisions.

Reading –  My favorite place to read is on a tropical beach, in a hammock, with a rum punch nearby, and a slight ocean beach cooling me off.  What was I saying?  Oh yeah, if that choice is unavailable, anywhere will do.  I love all formats: books, magazines, newspapers (still love those), blogs, emails, billboards, anything really.  Janet and I started reading Sue Grafton’s series a couple of years ago and really enjoy them.  We also have Evanovich, King, McMurtry, Lee Child, and Chelsea Cain (although this series is Janet’s; I’m too sensitive for her) in our current rotation.

Lists – I love writing lists of all kinds: grocery lists, lists of movies I want to watch, books I want to read, places I want to visit. I have so many lists, lying around, I don’t know what to do with them…another list, perhaps?  If I didn’t spend so much time making lists I probably could get some real work done.  Some might say this is an obsessive/compulsive thing, but I disagree.  I’m just trying to get organized…which is on a list, by the way.  Hey! I have CDO, which is OCD but in the proper order.  I love that t-shirt.

Cheeseburgers and Fries – Yum.  I’ve tried, twice, to make it as a vegetarian, but I couldn’t because I missed burgers too much.  Sad but true.  Nothing better than a nice juicy cheeseburger and salty fries.  Janet and I usually split meals but I’ll eat my own if I have to.  Oh, btw, the new cheeseburgers and fries at Wendy’s?  Delicious!  Not kidding.  They did a wonderful job in researching burgers…how do I get a job like that?  I put them in my top 3 of favorite burgers along with Mighty Fine and Five Guys.  Wendy’s now has the other major burger chains up against the ropes.

Bridesmaids – This is a new favorite, and it might not hold up to the test of time, but I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time.  We’ll have to rent it again because we laughed through a large part of the dialogue.  Truly a great ‘chick flick’ in my book: rude and inappropriate in all the ways women can be but don’t want to show in public.  If it wasn’t for Netflix, I would buy this movie and watch it repeatedly.  Seriously, people, streaming is the way to go.  Borrowing something, even with a little fee, is also a great way to go.





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Someone Help the Seahawks, Please! Pt. 2

Okay, I hope the coaches and players spent last night, after a long day of drills, reading and expanding their minds on the joys of football.  I really hope you spent time reading at least once during the day.  I’d like to think sports figures were of sound mind and body.  Too much to hope for?

I wanted to address the special teams alone today because it is so critical to a well rounded football team.  A lack of ability on special teams, for the Seahawks, is one of the main reasons they are losing so badly.  I appreciate you guys giving the unemployed a job this past Sunday but maybe you should hire real football players to try their hand at the special teams squad.  I realize the lack of glitter and paparazzi in the special teams world might be off putting to attention hogging athletes, but spend some time and money there convincing guys to join in the fun.  You just might win a game or two more this season.

Gunner – these guys run down the field, as fast as they can, in hopes of tackling the kick returner, preventing him from getting good field position for his team.  Or, more importantly, to stop him from running all the way back for a touchdown.  Which is painful to watch.  Guys, I understand the need for speed, but try not to run so fast you go right past the ball carrier.  That doesn’t help.  Please, whatever you do, please, don’t run into each other, miss the guy completely, and end up in a heap on the ground.  I’m so tired of watching highlight clips on ESPN of our opponents.  “Wow, look at that great Bengals return! Those Seahawks sure do suck.”  Thanks, thanks a lot.  Please learn to tackle.

Holder – the red headed stepchild of the game.  When he does his job right, we completely ignore him; when he messes up, we line up the firing squad.  Nothing beats me down, as a fan, more than struggling down the field, having to settle for a field goal attempt, and watching butter fingers mess up the hold.  “Oh, don’t worry, Mr. Holder, we don’t need points or anything!”  Now this only applies to the Seahawks…if its…say…the Cowboys, I’m all for it!  So we backed our way into the playoffs, I’m okay with that.  We made the playoffs.  I’ll take ugly.  Now going in with a losing record?  That’s another embarrassing story.

Kick Returner – My Christmas wish is for the Seahawks to find their own Devin Hester.  He knows what to do with a kick return.  He doesn’t try and juke you out of your jockstrap: He grabs the ball and runs like the devils after him straight up the field.  Oh, and if you choose to run the ball out from deep in the endzone, you better make sure you consistently make 30 – 40 yards per return.  If you don’t I will talk badly about you for a very long time.  I’m being very nice and friendly now, but I can be vicious.

Long Snapper – another red headed stepchild.  He is the specialized center who only snaps for extra points, field goal attempts, and punts.  I’m not sure what he does in his spare time.  Even the Seahawks guy is only out there 10 or 15 times per game for punts and the occassional field goal attempt.

Place Kicker – besides the quarterback, this is the MVP of the team.  He scores more points than almost everybody.  Because of the nature of his role, the kicker is usually the oldest player on the field.  Which means he uses his wisdom to help the younger players mature.  When I dream, I dream big.

Punter – our punter looked pretty good…he kicked a couple of bombs.  I had a lot of opportunities to watch him and I am pretty happy with the way he kicked.  His stats are going to be impressive this year.  Of course, the Bengals had some great runbacks, so my smiles quickly fell over.

There are a couple of concepts I wanted to touch on before signing off, a couple of things where the coaches are missing the point.  The first one is very important, so important it will allow the coaches to retain their jobs and dignity: WIN!  This is the object of the game, the reason we have a team, the reason we pay a lot of money to watch the games.  I don’t want to hear about having fun and it’s not about winning, it’s how you play the game, and other pieces of crap we tell kids.  Please, I’m begging you: WIN!

Here’s another concept I’m afraid every coach on the sideline is missing:  in order to win multiple games you must SCORE POINTS!  As a fan, I love to see a shoot out, I never want to hear about another ‘intriguing defensive battle’.  That’s latin for ‘boring’.  Air it out, coach, bring the running game in later when the other team is tired from chasing the wide receivers around all day.  We won’t beat many teams with a 12 point total and we won’t beat ANY team with a 0 on our side.

The Seahawks have scored 109 points in 7 games for an average of 15.6 points per game.  Keep in mind, coach, there are only 32 teams total, so when I say we are 27th in scoring, we are close to scraping the bottom of the barrel.  The only reason we are that high is because in two of our games we scored near 30 both times.  Without those two games: we scored 49 points in 5 games for an average of just under 10 points per game.  Yikes.

Here are a couple of helpful hints to specific people who annoyed me during the game:

Mr. Running Back – if the quarterback gets the ball to you – run!  If you see a wall of humanity in front of you – avoid them!  Running into the back of your own men gets you nowhere.  How many yards did you have on sunday?  Try to find a ‘hole’ and run through it.  Don’t make me come up there and show you…nobody wants to see me run.

Mr. Coach – I think your ra-ra-go-team spirit is cute and amusing, but could you please kick some ass once in a while? I’ve learned something about having emotionally immature people in the house, from when my daughter was very young: a little fear of you goes a long way.  But you have to be willing to slap upside the head, or your threats are empty.  Don’t be a BFF, they are too old in the NFL; be a coach, one who yells and screams and holds people accountable for their actions.  I seriously doubt Holmgren took the Seahawks all the way to the superbowl by singing around the campfire and sharing smores.

I grew up in Seattle, grew up watching the Seahawks and Mariners play.  I’m so tired of saying ‘there’s always next year’ every single year.  I’ve already said it once and I hate the thought I will have to say it again.  Can we throw out your game plan and find another one?  Can’t you find something on ebay or craigslist?  This is not working so change what you are doing.  Watch tapes of good teams.  What are they doing?  Because if you don’t improve…I’ll…oh, hell, I’ll still watch!  But I won’t be happy.  Someone, anyone, please help my Seahawks.




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Someone Help The Seahawks, Please! Pt. 1

So, Janet and I went up to Seattle, this weekend, to visit Jessie and Grandma.  Oh, yeah, we also had tickets to watch the Seahawks play Cincinnati.  I’m not sure if the Bengals are good or we just made them look good.  In any case, the Seahawks looked bad.  Our other team, the New England Patriots, lost too so it was a bad football weekend for us.  Seattle looked a little confused on the field, almost like they didn’t know the rules or what their roles were.

This is where I come in:  I thought I would write down a few handy things for the players and coaches to read so they can brush up on their knowledge of football, clearly lost along the way.  If you are a fan: you can stop reading, you already know this stuff.  If you are a coach or player for the Seahawks: keep reading and take notes.

It’s important to have a general grasp of the field itself.  The American football field is 100 yards long, from goal line to goal line.  One each end, coaches, there are end zones, the places where points are found (remember this…very important).  At the back of each end zone is a goal post.  I know you are aware of the goal post as I seem to recall, in your last game, you scored a field goal.  Just the one all game.  Sad, but painfully true.  Silver Lining: you did manage to score in that game.

There are only two teams playing per game.  Coaches: it may seem like more…trust me, it’s not.  With only 11 players allowed on the field per team, you’d think the teams would be evenly matched.  They were not.  The players can be substituted as often as needed, unlike baseball, where you are taken out and sent to the locker room.  Hey, I read baseball players like to drink when they’re not playing.  Wouldn’t that be nice, guys?  You have to wait until after the football game is over to drown your embarrassment.

Teams are made up of three parts: offense, defense, and special teams.  Janet is convinced the Seahawks left their special team players on the bus and I tend to agree.

Here’s how the offense looks:

Quarterback – He is the leader on the field, the bus driver, the guy making the calls.  So I’ve heard.  Hey, who is our third stringer?  He any good?

Running Back – He’s the guy who runs with the football, usually for positive yards.  He’s looking for the ‘hole’ to run through.  If you don’t immediately see the hole, go make one.  If you are in the open field and a defensive player wants to tackle you, don’t let him.  Seriously, go check out some footage on Barry Sanders, he always made me smile.

Fullback – Is this even really a position anymore?  I only mention it in the hopes that Moose will come out of retirement and play for the Seahawks.

Wide Receiver – You guys make me exasperated.  You have one real job:  Catch Ball.  You need to wear different gloves, the kind with stick-um on them…or velcro.  Here’s what: Catch Ball.  Turn Head and Look Downfield. Run Fast. Evade Tackles.  In that order.  Didn’t Largent have any kids?

Tight End – Here’s one of my favorite positions: generally bigger than the scrawny wide receivers, good at many things, and generally reliable.  But pay attention to my ‘here’s what’ advice to the wide outs so you don’t get their dreaded disease: the Dropsies.  Most important:  Catch. Ball. First.

Center –  He’s the anchor of the offensive line: he snaps the ball to the quarterback and blocks the nose tackle.  Usually big and hairy.

Offensive Guard – They line up on either side of the center, their main job is to block the defensive guys who want to hurt the quarterback.  Don’t let them: protect the quarterback, he is your friend.

Offensive Tackle – not sure why they are called tackles, I’m pretty sure they can’t tackle the defensive players.  That would be nice, though.  Help your friends, the guards, in their job of protecting the quarterback.

It would be nice if the offensive linemen were less jabba the hut like and a little more agile.  Quick side to side movement would work for me.  If you give your quarterback time in the pocket, even the mediocre ones could be good.  If only we could find out.

The Seahawk defense looked good, our one little glimmer of hope.  Here’s how the defense works:

Nose Tackle – lines up across from center; drools, slobbers, and talks smack trying to get you off your game.  Also large and hairy.

Defensive Tackle – these guys line up across from the offensive guards and tackles.  From what I’ve seen lately, they are lean, mean, and quick.

Linebacker – the quarterback of the defense.  Their main job is to call the shots, blitz, and tackle.  They are generally located behind the defensive line.  Know where they are at all times, they will make you pay for mistakes.

Cornerback – the next line of defense.  They cover the wide receivers and keep them from catching balls.  One little thing I’ve learned from my armchair: If you look like you are going for the ball, you can get away with more questionable stuff.

Safety – the last line of defense.  The buck stops with you.  I hope you are the fastest people on the field.

I’m going to stop here, for today, because I want the coaches to do some research before I talk about special teams.  I found all the information I needed for this informational talk from  Just look for the ‘football 101’ section, they go into a lot more detail than I did, I certainly don’t want to insult you, read it for yourself.  You lose games without good players, good coaching, on special teams.  Look it up.













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